Everyone else left today. I still feel full of emotion and exhausted. I was sorry to see them go. I wish I could just go home too. I miss my family and I just want to be with them. Dagmar and Daniel and Simon, who took us all over Berlin and took care of us and were always there to answer questions and fix problems, were so wonderful. I would love to remain in contact with them. I feel like now whenever I come to Germany, I need to come to Berlin to see these new friends. I felt like begging Dagmar and Ron to let me come back here for another Bridge of Understanding program. I did ask them, but I think I managed to stop short of begging. I feel like I’ve just been crying and crying since yesterday, and I kind of feel like a sap. I kept telling people today that I’m not always like this. I don’t want people to think, “Oh, that Heidi, she really just cries all the time, at the drop of a hat. She’s so emotional. She’s got to learn to hold it together.” Am I always like this? It seems like it. It’s really not a cheap bid for attention. I don’t know what I want right now, except that I just wish I could go home now. I need Mike and the kids.
At about 11 this morning everyone but me got on the bus to leave for the airport. They didn’t leave for another 20 minutes or so because there was the usual mishegas (with this group) of someone being late, someone going to look for him, etc. I have a lot of respect for Dagmar, Daniel, and Simon, because dealing with a group of rabbis like us was really like herding cats. They were respectful while largely managing to get us moving within reasonable time frames, which was pretty impressive. However, when it was time for everyone to leave today, the whole system kind of broke down. People seemed even reluctant to leave. I think that the experience of the group this week was powerful for everyone, and so for some there was a little bit of a desire not to leave.
After the bus left I went and had a cup of tea with Dagmar and Daniel, and it was nice of them to include me, when I can imagine that they were glad for this week to be over. It was powerful for them too, but they also worked very hard and very long hours, and I can see where they might have just wanted me to get lost so they could finally relax. But it was nice to be able to spend a little more time with them.
At noon Mom’s friend Juergen picked me up, and we went to lunch. It was fine. we talked a lot about Mom, so, you know, crying again. He asked if it was hard for me to talk about her, and I said yes, but I still want to, because it’s hard whether I talk about her or not. I didn’t understand everything he said, but that was okay. He asked if I would want to stay in touch, and I said yes, I would like to, but I couldn’t be sure that I would actually do it. So we’ll see.
Now I’m on the train on my way to Tante Ruth’s house. The stress has begun to return now that I’m traveling alone and have to deal with everything myself. One thing I can say, though, is that my hair has looked great for this whole trip. I am so happy with my haircut.
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